Dear Cher's Advice Letters

Dear Cher;

Ive been with my girlfriend for 8 yrs..met her as a BBW.. have always been attracted to them.. two years ago she had gastric bypass. Now her body has changed so much I am not sexually attracted to her anymore. We were engaged before the surgery. I still love her but the sex life is non-exsistent. I cant seem to get over her body with all of the loose skin on it now. She will not have anymore surgery to lessen it. Any suggestions? Ive been with my girlfriend for 8 yrs..met her as a BBW.. have always been attracted to them.. two years ago she had gastric bypass. Now her body has changed so much I am not sexually attracted to her anymore. We were engaged before the surgery. I still love her but the sex life is non-exsistent. I cant seem to get over her body with all of the loose skin on it now. She will not have anymore surgery to lessen it. Any suggestions?

Hanging Around

This is a hard thing to deal with for you have your preferences, which I understand, and in the long run the love is what really matters. I think if you have a strong relationship you need to sit down and tell her how much you love her but that the skin bothers you sexually, ask her to please have surgery to remove it. Im sure she is self consious of it anyway but this was a choice she made to be healthy and happy. This is your life too so try talking to her then do what makes you happy.

hugs,

Cher

My wife likes to go and party with her friends on the weekend. She loves to dance and I don't really like to. I am happy at home Im not that social. She wants me to go with her but I would rather watch tv and do chores. Do you think she does't like to be home with me?

lonely

Some women are very social, and like to dance to get out frustrations and problems from the week. I would suggest you go with her at least once so she knows you care, but if you trust her and you are ok with staying home just do it. Tell her to have fun and you do the same.

hugs,

Cher

After spending over 9 years with the wrong man, I find I'm utterly cynical about men. I respect some male friends--but really see men as being "weaker" than the females of this world. I know part of it is raising a child essentially on my own (and working 2 jobs to do it)! And leftover "baggage" from my ex--but I see weakness in other men too. I see the women of this society getting stronger day after day (despite having to put up w/ far more societal expectations), and men growing less and less responsible. I want a man who will accept me--whatever my weight, but I'm also not comfortable with one who wants me just because of my size. Preferences are one thing--but men who ONLY want big women freak me out as well. What's the difference between a man who will only date a thin woman and a man who will only date a fat woman? And why are so many men who are interested in bigger women also interested in being "taken care of"?? Where is personal responsibility in men these days??? I've not dated much since my breakup 3.5 years ago because of this attitude. Is there any way to start seeing the good in men again??

Cynically yours

Z

I think it is great that you wont just settle. Raising children on your own is a hard thing to do and I can tell you have your priorities Straight. I know there are men who prefer thin, and those who prefer Full figure. But a lot of men out there just fall in love with the person Not their size. This is what you have to be open to. I think you have to put yourself out there, they don't come knocking at the door unless You want pizza or Chinese, but you also don't have to chase anyone. Join a group, mabey a parents without partners, or a dating site, and put down all your requirements for the type of person you desire. There are classes also you can join and this way you meet men without Looking like you are looking. It just happens, you make friends and it might turn into something, but they get to know you the person not Your body type. I hope this helps. Good luck, sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!

hugs,

Cher

What's the best advice for a single guy who has much to offer but can't find the right lady to share his life with?

Lot to offer

My advice is to stop looking, find happiness in your life without a woman, then when you don't need one, she will fall in your lap. You have to be happy with yourself first before you can share your life with someone else. I hope this helps.

hugs,

Cher

I finally found the man of my dreams. He is loyal, he does the housework, does my laundry, cleans the cat litter and is a great lover and deeply in Love with me. I am very much in love with him and appreciate all he does. OK for the problem, he is very jealous and wants me all to himself. I don't feel Comfortable leaving him home and going out with friends like I use to. He Gives me a hard time if I do. I feel happy to have such a great guy, but I Feel like I lost a part of me. What do you think?

Almost happy

Well like they say, no one is perfect and you need to find someone who has a little misperfection, it just has to be something you can live with. Sounds like you have 80% of what you want. Being happy is not losing your independence and confidence. He needs to trust You, sounds like he is insecure to let you go out and be yourself. I would talk to him and tell him all the wonderful things he is and that he has to trust you for the relationship to last. Make him feel as secure as you can, and the rest is up to him.

hugs,

Cher

I am a straight girl and have always been with men. Recently I have been looking at a few women and fantasizing about making love with them. I kind of was freaked out and wonder what it means. Do you think IM gay? "HELP."

Curious

That is what you are Curious. There seems to be a lot of same sex out in the open Lately and mabey you are curious. What ever it is I don't think you need to worry. You are what you are, and if you like women nothing wrong with it. If you start to freak out more, I would go to a Professional therapist for help, they are qualified to give you the proper help. I say go with the flow and just be yourself and don't worry.

hugs,

Cher

I wrote you a few months back about meeting someone from the dating site. Well, gf, it didnt work out. I really thought it might. sighhhhhhh... I havent heard one word from him in 3 weeks now. We didnt fight or anything and the sex was good, too. Im heartbroken. Since we broke up, I did some searching and I found out he lied about some major things. I think it's sad a man of his age has to lie to get a woman. Im going into counseling this week to try to find out why Im such a liar magnet. My sister says it's because Im so honest that liars want to be like me. Whatever the reason is, Im tired of it. I really do want a healthy, honest relationship. Is there such a thing, Cher?

DISCOURAGED

Im so sorry, Yes there is and you have to be selective really get to know someone before giving your heart to them. Say a prayer for the type of man you desire, be specific in what you want and stick to it, if you compromise make sure it is something you can live with for no one is perfect. Everyone has some issue of some kind you just have to choose the one that fits with you. And being honest is a good thing never feel bad about it. I wish you good luck, I know there is someone that will make you happy out there, don't give up on Love!

hugs,

Cher

I'm an 18 year old girl who's in my first year of college. I met a totally amazing guy first semester who was perfect for me. The problem was that he had just broken up with his girlfriend of a year and half, two weeks earlier. Things were fine until he found out she was with another guy. He couldn't handle it and went back to her, leaving me in quite a situation. Things were just really bad because I know he fell in love with me, but just couldn't get over this girl. He lied to both of us about the other and the situation got really ugly when he cheated on her with me. Months went by and I know he learned his lessons. He really shaped up and changed his way, and then she cheated on him. They broke up (for like the 20th time in their relationship) and our friendship grew as I was there for him. He and I became best friends and I thought she was finally out of the picture. See, I've never met her, but Ive heard from mutual friends and from him that she isn't exactly the nicest or smartest girl in the world. Its no surprise that she hates me and Ive gotten my fair share of hang-up calls from her. Anyway, I learned later from him that they were working things out and they got back together a couple weeks ago. I've been in love with this guy since the beginning and my heart literally aches that I cant be with him. They have a really immature relationship and I know that me and him are so great together. We still have a great friendship, but we both know that we need to not be such good friends, otherwise something may happen again because there are still so many feelings between us. I'm completely heartbroken that I'm in love with him, but he's in love with her. He told me he still loves me a couple days ago and we'll always have each other. I don't want to lose my friend, either, but I need to get over him and I cant see anyone ever comparing to him. Please give me some good advice.... it hurts a lot.

Hopelessly Devoted to Him

This is a hard situation being in love and friends. He said he cares for you but loves her, that is your first clue to move on and just stay friends. If after time goes by and he is away from her for good and you are single then mabey it will be the right time for both of you. You don't want to be second to anyone, so stay friends but not too close and look for someone that you can call your own. You are still young and although it hurts now you will bounce back soon and have that romantic feeling again. Try to be happy with yourself like activities with girlfriends and keep busy, when you least expect it some really cute guy will just gaze into your eyes and make you feel butterflies!

hugs,

Cher

Okay, here we go with my story or problem. I'm a 33 y/o male. I'm just wondering what is wrong with women in this day and age. I'm a all around good guy, I don't understand what the deal is. I'm a one woman man,I Treat women with the very utmost respect, diginity, and honor. I was dating this young lady ,everything was going great, no arguements, hell not even a simple disagreement. It was like we knew what eachother was thinking or wanting. Like we were meant to be together. But one day, just out of the blue she told me she couldn't date me anymore because I was just to nice to her. And all my past relationship ended just about the same way. I'm not going to change my attitude towards women and I'm damn sure not going to like men. So, tell me what I should do or where to go to meet women that wants to be treated like somebody?

Good guy

How awful that women don't appreciate a good man. It is not you, these women who you are choosing must have some issues that they need to deal with. You might be choosing women who are too young and don't see a good thing when they have it or have been abused and for some wrong reason expect that type of behavior. If you know in your heart you are treating them good and the way you want then I say it is their loss. Move on and keep on the search for one day you will find the women who will appreciate you for being a nice guy. Also ask questions when you meet someone, like how did your last boyfriend treat you. If he was abusive then you might want to rethink her. I wish you much luck and keep us posted.

hugs,

Cher

I was hoping you could give me some advice. I'm a 27 year old female and there is this guy that I have known for a few years now. He is nice, funny, I like him and he's told me he would like to be with me. OK the problem is I'm not physically attracted to him, I know looks aren't suppose to matter, but I would be embarrassed to let any family or friends know that we are together. I don't want to sound petty, but do you think it's possible to overcome this, I mean in every other way he is great. Will I ever be able to get over his looks?

Petty Pretty Girl

I totally understand. Yes, if his charm overtakes you and you fall in love you will develop an attraction for him anyway and you wont care what others think about his looks. If you don't feel anything then it is better to move on and not drag it out and mabey hurt him down the road. Try to look in his eyes and see the real man that has the good qualities you are looking for and if it continues where u don't have any feelings then tell him it just isn't there and he is a great guy. I hope this helps.

hugs,

Cher

I need some advice from someone other than my girlfriends....I have been recently seeing this guy for a little over a year now, (he's married, I am not) and I love him, but I think he doesn't feel the same way about me....yeah he says he loves me but I think that's what he thinks I want to hear.... Lately we have been having the same conversation/debate about why he does things with his wife and we don't do that much....I want to call it off, but I really care for him and I'm not ready to let him go just yet.....I have asked him on several occasions exactly where do I fit into in his life, and he always manages to skip the subject to throw me off....I have asked/told him on several occasions that if he doesn't want to be bothered than leave me alone, and he doesn't seem to....am I being stupid for putting up with the excuses???? My girlfriend says he's sticking around because I let him and I need to let him go regardless.....

PLEASE HELP ME I AM TIRED, CONFUSED AND HURT

I think you know in your heart the answer. Sometimes we love someone or think we do because something is lacking in our lives. You might think he is your whole world. You have to be strong and let him go, be tuff and say no I am the one done. This will make you feel in control and not so insecure. A married man belongs to his wife. If he is not happy he needs to leave on his own then pursue you or anyone else. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you like him doing it to you. They say oh we don't sleep together or IM here for the kids, or she wont let me leave. All excuses, if he is totally unhappy he will leave. No matter if you are there or not. If you leave first and he really wants you he will leave her and come to you. You have to have a strong sense of self and know you deserve someone who is all yours and totally in love with you with no doubts on your part. So I say love yourself and give yourself back to you and end it. You will be with somebody who cares for only you and appreciates you belong to him and no one else. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I hope it helps. Good Luck,

hugs,

Cher

Your profile says you give advice about relationships, so I was wandering if you could help me with a problem? My name is Dan and I am madly in love with this girl. I know she is the one that I want to be with, but she doesn't see me the same way. She only thinks of me as a good friend. I want to confront her and tell her how I feel about her but I have never been good with talking to girls and I was wondering if you had any advice for me on what I should do?

Please help me.....

Dan G.

The good friend scenario, she must find something special in you to want to be good friends. I suggest you write her a letter, tell her how much you love being her friend but lately you were wondering what it would be like to go one step further. Tell her you don't want to ruin the friendship but if she would consider trying to date this is what you are feeling. Friendship is the heart of a relationship and if she has any attraction to you then lets give it a try. If no attraction then you understand and appreciate her friendship.

Dan, this is about all you can do. If she is attracted to you she will think about it. If she is not, you can't take it personal, we are attracted naturally to some people and some we are not.

I wish you the best and keep me posted.

hugs,

Cher

I have read your advise letters and hope you ca help me. I am 20+ yrs old, married almost 9 yrs, and have 2 children. Almost 6 years ago I cheated on my husband. The man I cheated with I'll call K is a couple years older than me. K is related to husband by marriage. My husband and K have been kinda friends. K and I was meeting one another for about 3 months and in that time I started having deep feeling for him. When we were together I would get the feeling he felt the same as I did. I couldn't tell him how I felt and he didn't tell me. We were able to meet because of my job and then my job ended all at once. I wasn't able to tell K that I wouldn't be working there anymore.

We was never able to meet one another after that. He then met this woman and they married. I went to the wedding with my husband. I was ready to leave my husband for K. I then saw that K was happy with woman and although it broke my heart, I just wanted him to be happy. I decided I try to make my marriage work. My husband and I then had our 2nd child. I was doing my best to be happy with my husband and keep our family together.(my husband doesn't know I cheated) I thought with time I'd forget or get over K, but that hasn't happened. First I felt very depressed not being with K , Then I felt very guilty for cheating. Many nights I have cried myself to sleep thinking about K and what I had done. Almost 6 years later my feelings for K are still her and maybe even stronger than they were 6 years ago. My husband and I don't get along and we fight a lot. My husband tries to control everything I do, what I wear, how I do my hair, & etc... He doesn't want me going any place without him, but it's OK for him to what ever he wants. Now after all this time K's wife is not with him anymore, she died suddenly 5 months ago. K was having a hard time dealing with her death. All I wanted to do was reach out and hold him and let him know how so very much I care about him. I have spoke to him briefly and he has given me signs (I think) that he has some kind of feelings for me. I guess my question is could my feelings for him be love, do I still feel this way because we never closer, or is it because I'm so very unhappy in my marriage? Also, Do you think he has feeling for me or is it to soon after his wife's death to even think about being with him? I want to help him, what should I do.

PLEASE HELP ME!

ARE MY FEELINGS REAL?

OK number one don't beat yourself up over what is in the past. I am not for cheating actually IM very against it, but I don't judge anyone, but when someone is not happy with the person they are with or themselves it happens. Your husband should not be controlling you that is number one, either seek counseling or if it was me I would get out of the relationship just for that. As to "k," if you are still pining over him it sounds like love to me. I think you need to figure out what to do about your marriage first you owe that to him, then you can move on with your feelings for the other man. Remember your husband deserves the truth about how you are feeling, you would want that from him.

Good luck and keep me posted.

hugs,

Cher

I lied to her, I lost her. she wont even talk to me anymore. I love her so very much. people can change? I realize my mistake. and I would never again do anything to hurt her. But she cant seem to get past the anger, and tells me to just leave her alone. IM lost, not understanding, how you can love someone so much one day, and then hate them the next.

Raptured

IM sorry for your pain, sounds like you did some damage with her. When someone is hurt very badly by someone they love, it is hard to forget and move on. IM sure hate is a strong word and she doesn't but my advice would be give her some space, move on with your life and try to make some changes and then contact her in a few months and tell her of these changes. She might miss you and realize you are working on you and want to try again. No promises but it is worth a try if you love her that much.

I wish you much luck.

hugs,

Cher

I recently married the love of my life. He is so perfect for me. Problem is, I cant go into a chatroom without getting picked on for my choice of spouse. I know that he as a bit of an irresponsible and "player" past, but he as changed so much. I try and ignore these people, but I still end up getting mad screaming at people in the chat room, thus making me look like an idiot. Any idea how to get people to stop trashing me and my Husband? Even more so, Any suggestions on how to get me to simmer down my hot head?

Hopelessly Devoted

First off congratulations and it is wonderful you found such a perfect match. As far as listening to the chatroom saying he is a player, guys are a player until they find the right person. So they are just jealous that he played some of them and you just hooked him. Ignore them and try not to bring him up with them, just talk of other things, and if they do say something just chuckle to yourself and know he is yours and you are happy, they are still searching. Some people if they are not happy want others to be on the band wagon, "Don't jump on." Be happy with your man and enjoy your life. Chatroom is just entertainment not real life. As far as your hot head, you can take a deep breath and count to 3 and think about what I said and just know you are the one with a great guy at the end of the day!

hugs,

Cher

So, I’ve got a boyfriend that I am insanely in love with. He’s 15 and im 14. We work well together. When im with him I feel like we have been together forever, even though it’s only been 5 months. Over the weekend one of my dads friends and his son came to visit. They live in Louisiana and we’re in Kansas. A well 12-hour drive. Over the weekend I got to know Justin (my dad’s friend’s son) well. I learned SO much about him. I was overwhelmed! I felt like we were meant to be together over that one weekend. We had so much in common and he was so open. We had gotten really close. But the problem, we both had others in or lives (boyfriend/girlfriend’s) Oh yeah, and he’s 23. I love my boyfriend Tyler. But I can’t stop thinking about Justin. He was so amazing! What should I do? I cant get over this.

Confused

Well you are only 14 and a guy who is 23 is really out of your league at this time. Although it was a nice weekend and you felt like you connected to him he is 23 years old and you are 14, someone who is that age and is interested in someone your age has some kind of issue. It is just a crush and you will get over it in time, this I know. I suggest you stay with your boyfriend he is more your own age. I wish you much luck and there will be plenty boys in your future.

hugs,

Cher

I reccently broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months, it all started when she wanted to spend more time with her x. eventually after a few make ups and break ups, I decided to call it quits completely. I asked her if we could be friends but she refused but later said she just want me as a friend because I am a really nice person and we shouldn't have gone out in the first place she continued to say I am not the type of guy she dreams of. well that was it.

I decided to take sometime without talking to her but after a week she started giving me missed calls on my cell. I didn't respond but she kept on. I called her and told her I was busy at the time and she asked me nicely if I can call her the next day. I joked about all that and called her 2 days later we talked for about 15 mins. Now she gives me missed calls everyday when I call her she just say she wanted to hear my voice, now I don't call anymore. She called me today talking about going to this new year party with hi class men, trying to get me jealous? We live in different towns and she has asked me to buy certain earrings we saw when we were together, is she just trying to make sure the next time I go to her town I should see her?

Cher, what do I do? I love the girl but after the make ups and breaks which went on for another 2 moths after the ex boyfriend issue, I decided I have to move on. but i cant just ignore her. i just want her to be mine or we should just stop communicating. How do I tell her that? What is she up to really? How do I know she is just about the friendship and nothing more? I don't want to look stupid by getting it all wrong.

Don't want to look stupid

Not knowing how old both of you are I can only assume she is very young. She wants her cake and eat it too. You are not her boyfriend so why should you buy her earrings unless that is something you would like to do. She let you know the truth "I am not the type of guy she dreams of" this sounds like she is just leading you on maybe she cares about you somewhat but not the way you deserve. If you can be strong and be her friend then that is great but if not I say move on and find someone who will love you the way you deserve. I wish you much happiness.

hugs,

Cher

I keep striking out with my pick up lines at the local disco. I'm beginning to feel like a loser. My best lines are: Excuse me if I look a little drunk, but I find the glare of your eyes so intoxicating or I'm a terminal patient: because I'm just dying to meet you. Nothing seems to be working. What can I say to make myself sound impressive, intelligent etc? Any suggestions?

striking out

Try a real approach, be honest. Girls like when a man is upfront and honest. For example: Hi, I saw you and I find you very attractive and would like the chance to chat and get to know you. Would that be possible?

IF she agrees, ask about her work, family and interests, make the conversation about her and then tell her about yourself.

I hope this helps.

hugs,

Cher

I need advice. Ok I made a mistake, About two weeks ago I started talking to a married man online. He kept on telling me how unhappy he was with his wife. He said he was with her for the sake of his two kids. He is 26. I kept on telling him to try to work things out, if you don't work on your marriage it wont work. I let him call me, we talked on the phone for hours, about what he should do. He said he wasn't happy and I said he should divorce her. Over a couple of days of talking I started liking him but I didn't tell him. He came over to meet me and we hit it off. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I told him as long as he gets a divorce. He said as soon as he has the money because he is not working right now. I've seen him almost everyday of the week and he says they are not sleeping together but he has to be home by 5. He says he loves me and wants to be with me.

Should I stick around and wait until he gets the money for the divorce or just say I can't do it anymore. I can't stand it when he goes home to her. I love him and he tells me he loves me. What should I do???????????????????

waiting for the divorce

Well, first of all he is married and living with his wife... Hard to know if he is telling the truth about not being with her. I know it is hard when men look in your eyes and tell you things............ but men are good at that. Survival mode. He may love you as you say and IM sure you love him, but if he had a job, and was not living in the same house I would tend to believe him more. He will probably say he cant leave her for the kids sake. I know many men do that so that they can have two women. I know this might be hard for you, but the rule is married men are off limits and until they are single I wouldn't waste your time and your feelings on him.

Tell him you love him and will still be his friend but until he leaves her you cant risk getting hurt. Now this is just what I suggest you are free to chose your own path, IM just suggesting a path that I know. If he truly loves you and wants to be with just you he will get a job and leave her.

Good luck and let me know what happens.

hugs,

Cher

I met this man online almost 2 years ago. After 3 months we met in person we hit it off right away, he is 7 years younger then I, I was previously married he has never married no kids, I have 4 kids all grown. It has been almost two years now and he has been coming back and forth from his state to mine he stays here like 6 months and then goes home. he tells me he loves me, but he has to go back home (to his place) to help his mom out, etc., his brother which is older lives with his mom. My b/f lives alone. He recently got hurt and has been in the hospital almost 3 weeks. I recently found out I have herpes but I have only been with 2 men, he and my ex and haven't been with my ex for 6 years. when I told my b/f he says "he didn't give to me " and has been avoiding taking a blood test. I need to know which one gave this to me. Does it seem to you he doesn't care or maybe is afraid of commitment? IM so confused what to do. I am in love with this guy but I need to know he wants a commitment with me. help! Please share your advice.

not sure

Chances are if you haven't been with your ex for 6 years you did not get it from him. But sometimes the woman cant tell she has it so you can't rule that out. I would ask your ex if he has it, and just worry about taking care of you. If your boyfriend is in denial then he will eventually have to see if he has it no matter where he got it. It is treatable and he should not be afraid to find out. The seven years difference is no big deal as long as he is someone you love and are compatible with and you are treated good. IM sure if he is working on getting better then let him concentrate on that and bring up your relationship and the herpes later. Don't bring it up wait for him to. You already told him now it is up to him. Seems like he loves you if he comes for 6 months at a time. Ask him to stay permanently and see what he says. I would just wait on this one and you will know when the timing is right. I wish you luck and please keep me posted.

hugs,

Cher

I was married for 25 years to a man that I truly loved with all my heart. Things were not always great but I didn't expect perfection. Towards the last 2 to 3 years of the marriage we began to really fight and alcohol was a problem. We both drank and it didn't help. It seemed like we were using that to escape our problems. It has been 8 years now and I can't seem to get over him. He has moved on and is living with one of my old friends. When I hear him name I still get butterflies. It isn't that I haven't tried. I do not talk about him or fantasize but I can't seem to move on. I hear about closure but how do I get it. Please help me so I can start living again.

Lost in Canada

Alcohol can be a problem in a marriage and if both are using then even more so. Try to remember the times you fought, when you feel sad and be grateful you had good times with him in your life. You can love someone and they cannot be good for your health. You need to say to yourself you love him but the relationship was not healthy. It takes time to get over someone and especially a deep love and for so many years. So try to love yourself, find things to do that make you happy, and when you least expect it someone will just show up and make you feel that wonderful feeling again. I hope this helps.

hugs,

Cher

OK this is a pretty tough so try to follow so bare with me. About a month ago I met this girl Heather at a friends party we really hit it off and we pretty much talked the whole night. In fact even when I walked her to her car at 4:00am we talked for another 2 hours outside. Well 2 weeks after that we had planed our first date putt putt golf and a movie. Now during this 2 week period from the party to now, we talked about every other day on the phone, but our conversions would last for hours. But 3 days before the date she wanted to back out of the movie part of our date because she got into an argument the night before with her EX-Boyfriend who is also the father of her 8 month old daughter about her dating. They are not together she said and she can do whatever she wants and he was telling her that fine she can go out with guys but she just can't do anything with them. And she agreed to this because she was scare that he would provide for their daughter and would pay her phone bill or help her out either. Now that last line I did not find out about till after our date was over. She Just wanted to back out and I had no idea why she just said she didn't want to get in trouble. But I assured her that nothing bad was going to happen at the movie so we went anyway. The entire night I was nervous about getting close to her holding her hand anything so I didn't.

So we go see the movie and afterward we walk around the area Heather was looking at all the stores and shops and just talking. The whole time I'm thinking I just want to kiss her (but that's just me being a guy I guess). So we walked and talked for a good 2 hours after the movie and finally she says she has to get up in the morning for a friends bridal shower. So I walk her to her car and since I parked on the other side, Heather she said she would drop me off at my car. So we drive over there and we talking in her car still and we go to hug good-bye I go in for a kiss after the hug and she says she can't. and then she goes on to tell me what I wrote earlier in the letter about Her EX and her rules. We spend about 3 hours in her car talking about this and she said even if she did kiss me (and she wanted too) he would ask and he would know that she lied to him. So that how that date ended. Now I had some other drama of my own happen about a week later. When I found out that one of my ex-girlfriend and mother of my 14 month old son. Slept with my best friend 3 days after we broke up. Now I haven't been with her for 8 months and I was over her and we were starting to be friends again. But that just mess me up I was so upset and I talked to my brother about it who I hadn't had that good of a relationship with and he help me out. But I called Heather later that night woke her up (I was a little Drunk so I didn't care) and told her this was the worse day of my life. And she talked to me, She talked to me from 11:20pm till almost 4:00am in the morning knowing she had to be up at 5:ooam to get ready for work. The next day I called her and apologized for keeping her up that late and thanked her for being there for me and told her I would never forget that and she was like its all right. I guess at that moment I really started to like her a lot and things kind of changed between us. Because, now we were talking everyday and we told each other things that we would never tell anybody. And we finally had our second date planned. Quick note: It's not like we can never date like regular people its just her schedule is messed up because she works 12 hour shifts and doesn't have her daughter one Saturdays so we have to make dates like 2-3 weeks in advance.

So we go on our second date (Last Night) Ice Cream and glow bowling and we had fun But I'll skip ahead to the End of the night which is what prompted me to write this letter for advice in the first place. We are sitting in my car talking as usual. So how we got on the subject of women and what they look for in a Man a she didn't want to tell me because she said it would be to much info on her and I could use it against her. I told her that we don't a relationship we even kiss so I don't there's anything that I can say or do that can change that. So she told me a few things and we have our usual good-bye hug and she gets out and looks at me and says what? And I say I still want to kiss you, and she says she can't she still has her rules. So I ask her how she feels about me I told her you know I like you a lot, but how do you feel about me? She says I don't know I guess there are 2 ways It could be 1. If I had no rules at all I could see myself dating you, like really dating you, like boyfriend girlfriend. 2. With my rules I kinda can't let myself feel that way It's like I really like chocolate cake and Someone say you can't have it so they put it in a closet and I know it's there but I can't see it so I don't think about it. I asked her so do you wish you had no rules? She said yeah but I guess some rules are necessary so you don't get to crazy. I told her you let these rules be put on you have a choice. She said Yes and No. So I really like her I think she likes me, I don't Know? I would love to be her boyfriend I don't know if that ever possible though. I have no idea what to do whether I should walk away completely or keep hope alive and maybe things will change?

I need help

OK the red light is there from the get go............. you might like this girl and she might like you but obviously she has someone controlling her life and this is what she chooses to have. So until she changes that, I would suggest you stay her friend, back off and start dating someone else. If she really cares and sees you moving on she might decide to change her life, take control and be with you. I wish you much luck!

hugs,

Cher

I have been in love with this girl for quite some time, our relationship has been really good, we have gone out for 10 months, with no issues. all of a sudden my girlfriend started getting calls from her ex, I tried to confront her but she insisted they are just friendly calls, it started being too much, i quizzed her again she admitted that she still has a soft spot for him and she just cant stop communicating with him. by the way this guy was overseas. now the guy has come back to attend to a funeral, and my girl went to see him and according to what she has been telling me about the guy, i see that she is still in love with him, although she insists she cant go out with him, because its me she wants to spend her whole life with, she has assured me a 100000001 times that she doesn't want to break up with me. 2 days ago i met her and we talked, she told me that we should have a break of 1 month because she wants to sort out things with her ex without me, assuring me that its not the end of our relationship she just want to present herself clean to me. I told her if she want a break we can as well just break up for good cause I don't want to be put in suspense, she said she is not putting me in suspense because she is still mine and she is coming back to me after she sorts out with her ex. I tried to end the relationship but she begged me not to, said she loves me and she wants our relationship to continue, she actually cried. so we agreed to be on the break for 1 month. after a day a thought its not fair and if she truly loves me she wouldn't want a break, especially when this other guy, I told her I trust her a lot but am only human I just cant take it, then she told me that she also thought about it and the break thing should stop. she assured me that she will just let go of the other guy because she is much happier with me and she doesn't want to lose me.

Should I trust her and be with her? How can I help her get over her ex? or is there anything I should do. I really love this girl and I know it will wrong for her to go back with the ex, I truly believe its me she wants. what can I do. pleas help

Jam

I know this must be hard on you. You have to trust her or you have nothing with her. Let her get this out of her system, or she may never. But you have to sit back for now and let the fever run its course. She will make the right decision for both of you and that what ever the decision will be the right one. If she chooses him, then she was not really yours. She has to follow her heart and that might be with him or you. She will decide. If she takes too long then move on. You deserve someone who wants you 100 % and that means not anyone else. So be confident you are the right choice for her and be supportive but firm.

hugs,

Cher

Last May one of my best freinds who had recently moved to a different school had this big dance. She invited me and few other friends from her old school but it was mainly her new friends. The minute I walked into the party all the guys started drooling over me.....but there was this one guy who stuck out. he was absolutely Gorgeous and after making eye contact a few times he asked me to dance. We ended dancing with each every dance and I fell completely in love. We Gave each other our phone numbers and hugged good-bye and then we left. after that we talked online and on the phone and really got to know each other pretty well...but we never really saw each other except one time when he came over when I was at my best friends house. well....a few months went by and things seemed to be changing.....we didn't talk as much and he didn't seem to be that interested in me anymore but I still had hope. Well my hope was destroyed when my friend told me that he didn't like me anymore....I was devastated because I was like in love with this guy.

Well a few months went by and I slowly got over him and another guy from school asked me out and things seemed to be going pretty well until my birthday came and I had a big dance. I had invited my new boyfriend and the guy I used to like (I invited him before I got asked out) anyway.....so the party came and things seemed to be going pretty well (I was having a great time with my new boyfriend until the guy I used to like walked in. He looked so gorgeous and I hadn't seem him in forever. I had been pretty much dancing with my boyfriend the whole party (though I secretly wished that the guy I used to like would ask me to dance) until he had to leave early. But before he left the first song that the guy I used to like and I danced to started playing. I kinda walked over to the guy and tried to make myself look availabe because I really wanted that special dance with him again. but then my boyfriend appeared behind me and asked me to dance.....I was devastated.

Well anyways....after my boyfriend left I started getting upset , I didn't think that this guy was ever gonna to ask me to dance. My best friend took me into the bathroom and I started balling and explaining to her how I was having mixed feelings about my boyfriend and the guy I used to like. I stoped crying we went back to the dance (you could tell I had been crying, my eyes were all red). The guy I used to like started looking at me, he could tell I had been crying and I tried to make myself look really upset. After that we made eye contact a few times (when we did I would look at him sadly) and he finally approached me and asked me to dance.....I was never happier in my life. I grabbed him and pulled him as close as I could because I missed dancing with him so much and it felt like the song went on forever in his big brown eyes. Ever since that song I have been so confused....I don't know what to do. Everyone thinks I am crazy because my boyfriend given me so much more than the other guy ever had.....but I can't help it....I am still so in love with that other guy. Now don't get me wrong because I really do like my boyfriend..I just don't think he's one for me. But I don't know what to do because I don't want to dump my boyfriend because It would crush him. He has given me so much, plus I don't even no if that other likes me and it would never work out because we go to differnt schools...but I can't help it...I love him no matter what anyone says...and I would give anything just to dance with him one last time. Please help me...I have been holding this in for a long time I really need advice!!

--confused and troulbled

Oh sweetie I feel your pain. Im sure your ex still has feelings for you. When guys are young they sometimes have a harder time with distance. Im sure if you were at the same school you would be together. He probably wants someone he can hang out with alot and your not close enough. Your still young and Im sure if you stay friends with him just email once in a while and say you care about him and want him in your life, he will. Then when you both are older and have cars it might not be a issue. In the meantime focus on the great guy you have in front of you. If you spend time with him you might really have some fun and at your age that is what you should be doing, having fun. Love is Love at any age and you need to acknoledge it and be greatful for the time you have it. So enjoy your teens, and know that the real love is to come. I hope this helps and keep me posted.

hugs,

Cher

I am 17 years old. I was going out with this 18 year old boy and his name is Bryan and he lied to me and to my mother and father saying that he had a job and that he finished school and his cousin told me that he sells drugs and his mother and mother's boyfriend sells drugs also. Now my dad and mom wont let me see him anymore is that a good thing? Also I am always yelling at them and I have no clue how to stop will you please help me? Thanks a bunch.

Clueless about yelling.

It is a good thing that your parents wont let you see him anymore. Drug dealers can Get you into trouble. I am sure he is a sweet boy and likes you a lot, but he lied and if he lies right away then how can you ever trust him. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. Move on and find someone who wont lie and who will treat you good. The yelling is normal at your age, hormones kicking in and all. But it is good you recognize you have a problem, very mature for you and sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. So next time you yell, stop and count to 10 and then repeat it in a normal tone to your parents you might get a lot more in the longrun.

Good luck,

Hugs,

Cher

I met this lady 4 month's ago and we had been seeing each other. She has two kids, and we are on a military base, we did everything together and with the kids. I have fell for her hard and the kids, and there was a misunderstanding about something and she thinks I lied to her, and I did not,but she is listening to others that I work with, most are kids and stick there nose in everything, like my personal stuff and she thinks they are her friends so she called it off between us and I am about heart broken. What can I do or is there anything? I already tried a card, and her phones shut off. Please help!

Thanks,

A Heart Broken Soldier

Dear Broken Soldier;

IM so sorry, I say give her a week and then write her a letter explaining what really happened. Tell her trust is what is needed in a relationship and listening to kids is not fair. Ask for a coffee date to just explain and you are miserable with out her. Ask for one more chance and if you did lie tell her it will never happen again. If you didn't tell her you didn't and she has to trust what you say. Good luck,

hugs,

Cher

I am a 33 year old male. This is my 2nd marriage, I have 2 boys 2 and 7. The first one is from my previous marriage and I have custody. I am a very successful business person. I own several large companies, and have a financially great life. I am also described as a work aholic according to everyone. I love my job, and this is also my hobby. My current wife is beautiful, sexy, smart, and funny. I love her to death and would do anything for her. My problem is that I am very much into sex. I love sex, I have a lot of fantasies. My biggest is watching my wife with another man, and my first wife enjoyed it just as much. My current wife thinks I am a pig. I think people should have sex at least 3-4 times a week to keep the marriage healthy. I always like to spice it up. I sometimes make it romantic with massages, baths, candles, etc., other times I like to use toys and tie her up. She likes this once in a great while, but mostly just wants normal missionary style sex in the bedroom, where I am looking to go into the kitchen, use the pool table, etc. She is scared to open up, she claims to have never masturbated, and was shocked to find out that I do just about everyday. My question is, I love her and we are great in all other areas, but I have been cheating on her constantly, and although I feel bad, I try to hide it with reasoning to myself by saying that I am not embarrassing her, nobody knows, I take care of her, I am home in bed every night, etc. What should I do? I can't live without fulfilling my fantasies, but I also don't think I should get a divorce over sex. Please help.

WANTS THE WHOLE PACKAGE

DEAR WANTS THE WHOLE PACKAGE;

Sounds like you love your wife very much. Fantasies are always good and healthy, But cheating is another story. If your marriage is perfect except in that area, then you need to talk to your wife and tell her how happy you are with her and your life, But your sex life there is a problem. If she loves you she should want to please her man and try new things. You might want to suggest going to a counselor to talk about the sex issues. I don't think you are asking too much. She sounds like she has been sheltered sexually and that is ok, but if you teach her slowly don't through it all at her at once, she should be ok with it. Sex is very important, but in the end friendship, companionship, and love are the most important. You have to really Reach her and let her know your feelings. I wish you good luck,

Hugs,

Cher

I was just wondering if I could ask you for some help. I am so in love with this girl but she is with a Boyfriend that treats her like shit all the time and she expects him to change and for things to get better. Im sure at some point things will change but it could be for worse and he is only 18 so it could take a long time. Anyway she loves me just not as much as she loves her BF she says she wants to be with me but she cant leave him. I know i cant force her to leave him but she knows she will be happy with me and she knows ill treat her better but she cant leave him. What can i do to make her realize she should? I mean there has to be something there is always something i just haven't found it yet. Please help me i love this girl with all my heart. Thanks a lot,

BETTER CHOICE

DEAR BETTER CHOICE;

I realize you love this girl. You don't want to be a rebound. If she is in a relationship, she must be getting something out of it. Sounds like she is young and if so she needs to let the relationship run its course. She probably likes the fact you are in love with her and she can have her cake and eat it too. You have to let the fire run its course and hopefully she will see that her boyfriend no matter how much she loves him doesn't treat her well. I suggest you distance yourself, still be her friend but don't give her that security Blanket. Let her think you are moving on and start dating other girls. If she really loves you and is done with him and it is supposed to be with you then she will come to you. I know that it will be hard, but trust me it is the best way to see if she is really for you. I wish you luck, keep me posted.

Hugs,

Cher

I'm in love with this guy and its an online relationship but it was going great and i really love him and we have been together about 3 years and now i haven't heard from him or anything and IM so worried and i want to know what happened and if he still loves me like i love him because no one can't understand how IM feeling right now and i can't tell anyone and i feel all alone and i was trying to do this thing, this people search to search for him and try to track him done so i can talk to him but that doesn't help me any because you have to have a credit card but i don't because IM not 18 year but i will be in a couple months. I really do miss him and i don't know what to do because im having all these feelings and problems and have no one to talk to and i felt comfortable about talking to him about anything and also im really committed to this relationship and to make this work and i care about him so much and i love him and i miss him! i was wondering if you could him me in anyway try to reach him so i could talk to him so i can know what's going on because i really feel broken and i dont know where we stand as a couple and my heart still loves him and wont let go of him because its not time but i don't ever think it will be the right time because i love him so much and i don't ever want to lose him! i know love when i see it and right now IM deeply, truly and madly in love with him and i don't know if he still thinks and dreams about me as i do about him and if he has another girlfriend because that will just crush my heart forever because i think without him, my life is incomplete. i know you might say there is many more fish in the sea but there isn't he's the one and i know it and my heart is set on him and i love him so much i want to love him forever! i don't know if i have been taking this for granted but i just hope i get a sign so i know he still loves and care about me. i really wish i just could talk to him because i really want to and i really need to any i need him so bad because i feel so alone with all these Emotions and feelings inside! IM a very emotional person and no one seems to understand that. i hope you can really help me out, because i really want to find him and talk to him so we can try to get thing on track or just to see where we stand.

ONLINE ONLY

DEAR ONLINE ONLY;

How long has it been since you heard from him? Do you have a phone number or address? Just an email? If you have been talking to him online for 3 years and no phone calls then there is a problem even if you are in love.

If you have been corresponding for 3 years and 2 phone calls, and now he has disappeared. I think he was leading you on. He must have someone close by.

Men don't go without for 3 years. IM sorry this guy took advantage of you, you seem very sweet. If he really cares and is legit he will contact you. My advice is to learn a lesson, don't be so trusting for so long, make them meet you in person and prove they are for real. IM sure you will find someone else to appreciate you and not play games. IM sorry I couldn't give you the answer you were looking for but I don't think this guy is very nice to play with your emotions. Keep me posted.

I wish you love and joy.

HUGS,

CHER

Thanks for your advice but i still have hope that soon i will get a sign from him, so i know he still loves me. i know he loves me deep down in side but i just don't know how it ever got this way. i don't think he took advantage of me because we both were in love with each other and i am still in love with him and he Probably feels the same way. He was a real guy he always treated me right and never played with my emotions nor my heart but i don't think he would ever Play games with me like this, I just hope not. IM just going to hope and pray right now but i know i probably wont hear from him which will lead into heartbreak for me and it wil take me along time to get over it because it not that easy for me to get over something like this, because right now i think about him all the time and IM so sad and depressed. when we were together he was planning to come down and see me but something always happened that he couldn't but he said he was probably gonna come down last summer but that never happened because I don't know where he is now. I really wish i could find him because all i want to do is talk to him to find out what's going on. i dont Think I will ever fall in love like this ever again.

ONLINE ONLY

DEAR ONLINE ONLY;

I know you are sad and depressed and Im truly sorry, but you will find the right person who won't play games. I wish you love, and happiness.

hugs,

Cher

I have a scenario. I have been dating a guy for about a year and a half...we met because our children play together (he has three, I have one). He has been separated from his wife for two years, she packed up and went to California and never came back...she rarely has contact with the children and calls maybe once every two or three months, they are planning on getting a divorce. My problem is this. Our relationship is like nothing I've ever had before....we've are both 37 and have both been married twice before. We have everything in common and I've never laughed or been happier with anyone in my life. I know that I love him, but those aren't words he is ready to say to me yet....

It bothers me sometimes, but it's totally understandable. He's been left two times by both of his wives with the children (he has custody of his daughter from his first marriage and the two from his current wife) and I'm sure he's afraid of any kind of emotional attachment with anyone. I don't pressure him to say he loves me.....it will come when it comes. What I don't understand is how we went from a perfectly wonderful sexual relationship to five months without being intimate. When I ask him about it, if it was me.... He said he was going through a bad spot....when I ask him exactly what that meant, if that meant a "ex-wife" moment...he said yes. I didn't know how to take that and still don't.....it kind of hurt me that he would let something like that interfere in our relationship because it has been so good...........

Now I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I love him, but it seems the street only goes one way and I'm tired of traveling it alone. We have went as far as talking about what it would be like to live together and things like that...we both work and have good jobs and know that we could have a good life together.....still I feel like such an outsider most times and I don't like it. It's like I'm the one giving all the effort......that we only spend time together when I suggest it...unless I get to a point and just don't call, then he wonders where I been and I just can't take this emotional roller coaster ride anymore..... I do get angry with him sometimes because he compensates the things these women in his life has done to him because its not just something I can ever understand. I can't understand leaving a child and not seeing them but once in two years....or calling them when I feel like it and it bothers me and I guess I don't hold back in letting him know it bothers me and maybe it's raised some concerns in his feelings towards me....(not that he's admitted having any).....so I feel unimportant in his life for the most part and I just don't know if it's worth the fight anymore.....he means the world to me, but its nice to know that you matter....and going from being intimate frequently to five months before we were again makes me wonder what I'm fighting for...sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, I do realize that......but its an important part of connecting on an emotional level and I feel that is needed....I love him more than life itself and he knows that I would do anything in this world for him and his children......his children know that too...I have done so much for all of them since we've been dating....but I feel unappreciated and unwanted.....and I'm tired of feeling like a convenience.....like I'm important when it is convenient to him....and I am having a hard time understanding what is exactly wrong here....please help..

Thanks!

Broken Hearted In PA

Dear Broken Hearted in PA;

Sounds like this poor guy has abandonment issues and really needs some licensed Therapy. How can he move on to have a good relationship with you if he still is harboring resentment towards his ex. You deserve a relationship that is 50/50 and not to feel like you are a convenient to him. You deserve the whole man, a healthy man who will love you for you and not compare or think you will be like his ex's.

I suggest you try talking to him, take him to dinner somewhere calm and relaxing and express your concerns and feelings. Tell him how much you care and how special he is to you and what a positive ray of light he is in your life and your childs. He may not realize you are unhappy and when he does he might change. If he doesn't after that, then suggest some time apart for him to get healthy and basically to miss you. You should have a strong enough relationship after a year and a half for him to tell you he loves you. If he doesn't then you need to move on.

I know someone that was with someone and he broke up with her in a panic of commitment. She did not talk to him for 5 months. He missed her so much, got his act together and now they are engaged and happier then ever. So with communication and space, people can change if they really want to and care for the person when they focus on themselves and get some help. I hope this helps, let us know. Good luck!

hugs,

Cher

I am a 28 year old (29 in August) female and I have a crush on an amazing 47 year old man who I work with. We don't work in the same department, but I do see him every day. For his birthday, back in April, I sent him flowers to the office from "Your secret crush." A couple of days later a couple of us from the office went out and I confessed that I was his secret crush. He said he was flattered. I told him that I didn't want this to affect anything in the office and that on Monday it would be "Business as usual" and it has been. We have been friendly with each other, as usual, but nothing out of the ordinary. My problem is that my crush has turned into stronger feelings for him. I definately can't say I love him, but I like him and admire him a whole lot. I can't stop thinking about him. Fantasies of going out with him consume my day. He is divorced and has been for years. I am going through a divorce right now. We both have 2 children, his are older though. I want to go out with him, on a date, but I don't know how, or even if I should try, to approach him. I've thought of an e-mail at work, leaving a note on his car, I DON'T KNOW!! All I know is that I want to date him, even if it's just one time. I haven't really talked to him one-on-one for long periods of time.......like I said, we have more of a professional, "Hi," "Good Morning" type of "relationship." But he is such an awesome man! What should I do Cher? Should I try to ask him out, and if so how??????????

Thank you!

Not Sure

Dear Not Sure;

It is always hard to have an inner office relationship. If you are not in the same department it might work. I think if you feel that strongly and you think he might be interested, then of course ask him for coffee or a drink. Don't have any expectations of his answer. Do you think the age difference is a problem for him? If you know in your heart this is something you at least need to go for, then follow your heart and try. The worst he can say is no and then you can move on. Let's hope he is ready and finds you fantastic! Let me know what happens, and good luck.

hugs,

Cher

I have been talking to someone for 6 MOs online and the phone and feel like we are in love. Is this possible?

Crazy for him

Dear Crazy for him;

You can fall in love with someone's personality online I do believe. But you never know if that is the real person you are getting to know. They could Pretend and even lie. If this person is telling the truth and you are getting to them, then the next step is to meet and see if there is chemistry and comparability. It takes a good year to really get to know the real person. So don't jump into something quickly take your time to be sure. Hope this helps and good luck!

My ex-boyfriend has come back into my life. He wants to get back together with me after he broke up with me right after I had a surgery. I was stuck in bed and he just ran. It was so hurtful and painful. He has said he can't live without me and is so sorry for his actions and wants another chance. I am having a hard time trusting him now but I do love him. He was great otherwise. What should I do?

Sick and Ran

Dear Sick and Ran;

Sounds like he has some issues in his life if he can just bail on you after a surgery. But if he has had time to reflect on his actions, and you feel he really means what he says it can't hurt to give another try to the relationship if it was so good. I do feel you should be reserved and make him earn his way back with the trust. Let him show you how much he cares before you give up your heart all the way. I wish you much luck in love.

hugs,

Cher

I've got a situation I was hoping you might be able to give me some advice on...

I've been dating a woman for a little over a month now. Saturday night we had plans to go on a murder mystery dinner cruise. I originally planned to get to her house around 5:30 PM after going to the race in Fontana. Since I hadn't been feeling well and I wanted to be rested for the dinner cruise, I opted not to go to the race after working graveyards and get some sleep instead. She called around 8:30 Saturday morning and woke me up to find out what my plans were. I told her that I was thinking I would head out around 1:00 and be at her place around 2:00. She said that she had things to do and didn't want me under her feet, so she thought if I left at 2:00 and got there anytime after 3:00 that would be better...

I wound up oversleeping, and got there around 5:00 PM. Needless to say, she wasn't happy that I was 2 hours late. But I changed into the suit I had bought and we went and had a good time at the dinner.

Afterwards, we went back to her place and went to bed. She knew that I was meeting up with guys from work for the NASCAR race Sunday morning and would be leaving early. I woke up at 4:30 and got dressed. She woke up a little later and said that I should've woken her up before I got dressed and we could've had some fun. I told her that I wouldn't be comfortable with that, having sex and leaving right afterwards. So after a few minutes, I told her to have a good day and that I would call her when I got back home that night, around 9:00 PM.

Got home after the race, called both her home and cell phones and got voice mail, so I left messages. Monday morning when I woke up, I sent her e-mail and an e-card to her at work. I haven't heard from her since I left Sunday morning....

Thanks,

Haven't Heard

Dear Haven't Heard;

OK number one no problem oversleeping but you should have called her right away told her you fell asleep and just woke up and was sorry and would be there at 5. Just common curtesy.The rest you did nothing wrong you are being yourself and if she has a problem she needs to communicate because you cannot change people, she needs to like you for you and she knew you had plans Sunday.

OK as far as the calling ..... you did right and I feel she is playing a game and punishing you. So you called enough, don't call again for a while. She will call you when you stop calling.

She will leave a message and you can call her back, by then she should be receptive and if she is not, then you don't want her anyway.

COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION.......... seems like she needs to do this..... only thing you should be sorry for is showing up latewithout calling, but next time you will call : )

Hope this helps......... keep me posted.

hugs,

Cher

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He has two children that he splits Custody with every other week. So he lives with them a week and with me a week. He says we are going to be together always but when he leaves he only calls me late at nite and I miss him all week. IM older and been married before and want to know do I ask him if he is going to marry me when the kids are 18?

Thanks,

Waiting for 18

Dear Waiting for 18;

Well if he seems like the right guy for you, and you are in love and been married before, I think you have every right to ask him his intentions. If you have a good relationship and you feel he is open and honest, just ask. DONT have ANY expectations. If you feel in your heart this is your destiny then you already know the answer. I wish you luck and happiness.

Hugs,

Cher

I met a guy through a friend, and he wants to date me. She is not interested in him, but acts like she is jealous and doesn't want me to get to know him. I would like to hang out and see if he is someone I might want to date. I don't want to lose her as a friend. What do I do?

New Friend

Dear New Friend;

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION! Sit down and talk to your friend, tell her she introduced you and now you feel like she doesn't want you to hang out with him or date him. Tell her your friendship is very important but you "just don't get it." If she is really your friend she will be honest and you can work something out. I hope this helps!

hugs,

Cher

IM 49 married 23 yrs, my wife is great we have had a good sex life we have had a few threesomes with other men and we are open and honest about everything. The other night she brought home a guy she has known for a year, they had met for drinks and made out mostly, she did go all the way with him a couple weeks ago, but it was in the car. Anyway she met him this weekend for drinks and told me if he wanted more she was going to bring him home she was too old to do that in car. He was OK with coming home but uncomfortable with me being here so I arranged to wait outside which i was OK with, he was here about 15 minutes and they did it as soon as he left i came in and she showed me what she did and explained what he did, she taped it so i could hear, well bottom line i enjoyed this very much we had the greatest sex after her and i and I think she enjoyed it. Is there anything wrong with this?

Unknowing

Dear Unknowing;

HI, well IM not here to judge....... if you and your wife have made a mutual agreement for both of you and this is your lifestyle then it is up to you both to be happy. Sound like you might think there is something wrong. IM not a licensed therapist you might want to check with a counselor but your sex life and your wife's sex life is between you both, and if all parties are concenting and no one is getting hurt it is your life. I hope this helps.

hugs,

Cher

I was in a serious relationship for a year and a half I lied to my girlfriend over stupid stuff to avoid a potential fight I love this woman and I am confused on how to get her trust back since she has left me she has not returned my calls for two weeks and I am besides myself. She once said to me that she has never been in love before except with me she was married before and has two young children which I also miss. Please advise me on how I can make this work.

One Confused Guy.

Dear One Confused Guy;

Lying is the first problem, even if you are trying to avoid a fight it is better to tell the truth or not do something you think is wrong. If she really loves you, after having two weeks to miss you I would make one more call. Tell her you know you messed up, that you don't want to be without her, and you now know the mistakes you have made and want one more chance to show her. Tell her that you will leave her alone to think about it but to please contact you one way or another. Tell her that if she decides not to take you back then you understand and wish only love and happiness for her. (if she loves you this should work) but you have to mean it. Don't be too pushy, be sweet, and kind no matter what she says. You are showing her you changed. Then do some searching of yourself so you can really be sure your ready for her. I wish you much luck. Keep us posted.

hugs,

Cher

I have a male I have been talking to since Oct. 25, 2003 and we have set up several times to meet, but he has never made it yet..he had back surgery in Nov. and I know it has not gone well, and may have to have another. Now we have made plans to go away for a weekend here soon, he asked me to get a sitter and he is making the arrangements. Do you think this should be his last chance on meeting me? He has not made it to any of the other 5 or 6 times. Should I just give up if he changes his mind this time? Thank you for your time.

Waiting

Dear Waiting;

If it was me, I would give him one more chance. I would never just go away with someone I haven't met. You could be making arrangements for a sitter and he might not show up. I would suggest he comes closer to your home and proves he is serious to meet you. First meetings should be short in case you don't connect. If you do then tell him you will get the sitter and be happy to come towards his area on your next meeting. He needs to show you that he wants to meet you and is just not playing with your affections. I hope this will help you.

hugs,

Cher

OK, I've been married to my wife for 20 years. She hates sex. Or, she has no sex drive. She will not talk about it. We have sex once a month, (I keep track) and when we do, she just lays there and expects me to do things to her. I love to do that, but what about me???? I get oral sex maybe twice a year, and then its only for a few seconds. She never uses her tongue, and doesn't understand that teeth hurt!!! I have tried to find a way to help her, but after 20 years, I've about had it. She is about 4'10,'' 180lbs. I love her ample body! But she doesn't. So why should I suffer? I'd like to find a bbw close to me who would appreciate a very sexual man. well, what do you think?

20 years not much sex

Dear 20 years not much sex;

Well, 20 years married I congratulate you! It is not easy having any type of relationship that long and you should be proud you made it this far. I think before you go astray, you need to really sit down with your wife, tell her she is beautiful just the way she is and you desire her. Tell her you are a man and you have been patient all these years with your sex life. Tell her you really want her to think of you and that you need more sex. If you need a therapist then suggest this. If this does not work after really trying then tell her your feelings and that if she wont be with you, then you are contemplating seeking it somewhere else. See how she reacts. Communication is the key to any relationship. And marriage is supposed to be with all parts of a relationship including a reasonable amount of sex! I hope this helps and keep me posted. I wish you much luck.

Hugs,

Cher

I have been attracted to my girlfriends sister, for a month and she feels the same way. Its a sexual attraction nothing more. She is married, and I haven't been dating my girlfriend long. Her sister is a bbw and that is really a turn on to me. We flirt all the time and on New Years it almost went further. What should I do?

Wanting Sister

Dear Wanting Sister;

I think if you are not in love with your girlfriend and see no future, end it and find a girl you are more attracted to. You should have the girl you want and it is not fair to your girlfriend, you wanting her sister. She is married, and flirting is one thing, but how would you feel if your wife cheated? SO I suggest you think about your relationship with your girlfriend and if it is not what you really want, do yourself and her a favor and move on. Everyone deserves love and a good mate!

Hugs,

Cher

I am a 40 yr. old female. Last Feb my boyfriend broke up with me saying that he didn't think he was in love and didn't really see this relationship going anywhere. ( he is 38 & we dated for 9 months) I was devastated at the time as we never had a fight and didn't see this coming. Over the past 6 months we have become friendly again through emails and text messages. We have gotten together twice since this past October for dinner, movies and have been intimate. I can tell that he still cares for me however he has never mentioned anything about dating again. I have asked him if he has been seeing anyone else and he says no, which I believe, since he has always been honest. I would like to find out if there is any type of future ahead of us, but I don't know how to ask him without scaring him away. And at the same time I do not want to have false hope & be hurt again as I still do love him. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks

Confused in LI

Dear Confused in LI;

I totally understand how you feel. When you truly love someone it never really goes away. I just would like to know what changed on his part. He didn't (think he was in love and didn't really see this relationship going anywhere). So now how did it change. Is he lonely and didn't find anyone better than you, or what I hope is He realized he was wrong and does love you. All this is speculation, so go out with him a few more times and try to sense his feelings, but in the long run, you will have to confront him and if he is honest he will tell you. You can decide if you want to keep seeing him as it is no strings or if you feel you want more, then move on. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and if you can't talk to each other, then there really isn't any relationship but just fun and intimacy. This is your call, I hope I have helped, I wish you much luck and keep me posted.

Hugs,

Cher

Ok i have a question. I met this guy who is JUST like me...we like all the same stuff and we look forward to Hangin out. BUT we are both married gettin ready to head for divorce. We talk about everything. He sends me text messages when he gets off work. we talk online all the time. WE HAVE NEVER talked sexually or anything like that...just on a friendship level. BUT i see myself fallin for him. NOW do you think its cuz hes a rebound or other.

Im attracted to him ...and his person . His insides are just wonderful!! But i dont know if he would want more from me. NOW my friend was with me sat night and he and i were just goin to dinner. well she wanted to go so i asked him if it was ok. he said ok but we need to go somewhere else cuz were we were goin was rather small..(small for 3 ppl). so how do you read into that...

Thanks

friends or more

Dear friends or more;

I dont think it is a rebound if you are both getting divorced. Sounds like you both are ending relationships and found comfort in each other. I think he was looking forward to being alone with you, just you to get to know you in person. I know your friend wanted to go, but if you want the more part, then I would not involve anyone else at this time. The signs should be there if he wants more than friendship, but take it slow, spend time and when it feels right just he honest and ask.

Im sorry both your marriages didn't work, and I hope you both find love and happiness. Let me know how it goes.

Hugs,

Cher

I am having a problem with a guy that I have been seeing on and off for many years. Mostly off, but we did get back together and we were going to really try to make it work this time.

Well, somehow there is always a lack of communication and I get blamed for everything.

Oh, did I mention he does have a son, last night when the kid went to bed, we were starting to get along, after a day of miscommunication and arguing, then we started to get romantic and after instead of laying next me for awhile, he got up put his clothes on and went to check on his son, Am I wrong to get my feelings hurt that he did not snuggle with me, for a while?

Or was it OK for him to just get up and check on his son without saying a word?

Please advise if I am completely wrong for feeling the way I did?

Trippy

Dear Trippy;

You have every right to feel the way you do, everyone does. But when there is a child in the picture that child has to come first. He should have said he was going to check on his son, but you can ask for what you want in a nice way, you can always do that..... but you might not get it. Communication is the key to every relationship, so next time you get a chance and are alone with him, tell him your feelings and what you want. We can hope he will listen and compromise at least.

If you care for this man, just know his child is very important and if you can be happy with being second, then you might have a great guy. Men who are good dads, is very apealing, shows a special love and committment. SO I say, have your talk with him, and see where he stands and then decide if this is the man for you!

I wish you good luck,

Hugs,

Cher

I am really into bisexual women. I have a girlfriend who has been with women before and enjoyed it. She says she wont share me. I like her a ton but not sure if I can give up the other stuff. It bothers me she likes it and wont share me. I was into BI women before I met her, she even brings me lesbian porn. I don't want marriage or kids now. I want the best of both the worlds. It seems like I am willing to risk the best woman that has ever crossed my path over this. What do you think.

Bisexually distraught

Dear Bisexually distraught;

You need to decide how much you want to be with this girl and if you are willing to give up the others, doesn't really sound like it. You may just lose her. Most women Are monogamous. So you need to decide it you want to pass up a wonderful girl and A good relationship, or you need to play some more. There is no right or wrong, always just be up front and honest. Tell her the truth and put it on her plate. Then it is she who decides what is to happen. In my opinion, if she was "the one", you wouldn't even have to think about it. Good luck!

Hugs,

Cher

First off a little about me, I'm a 32 yo single bachelor who is having the most difficult time trying to find that "special woman" with whom I can spend the rest of my days with. I guess what I need is some advice on how to go about a first date. To be honest with you I had much success with lots of women, in my twenties when it came to first dates but I have found that as I get older the "rules" of the game have changed dramatically. Take for example my experience this past Saturday night. It all started when I met this woman from Danville Virginia in an Internet chatroom about 3 weeks ago. After talking over the phone on an almost daily basis we finally agreed to meet in person. I actually drove 3 hours to Danville in order to meet a girl.

From the get go everything was perfect!!! We talked to each other for about 30 minutes before we decided to go to Apple Bees for a couple of drinks and some appetizer's, where upon we had a wonderful time. I did everything that a gentleman is supposed to do from opening the door, to paying the tab (which I was more than happy to do) to giving her my absolute undivided Attention. I could tell that she was really enjoying herself and would from time to time just stare into my eyes and appear to be genuinely concerned with what I had to say. She looked so beautiful and she smelled absolutely great! I felt like I was on top of the world to be with such a classy and beautiful woman for a change. From there we went back to my hotel room and we met up with her friend where upon we proceeded to go to this local bar that is just outside of Danville.

During the entire time that we were in route to the bar she could hardly contain herself! The three of us were laughing it up, joking, singing and we were all truly looking forward to a night on "the town."

Well, once we got to the bar things took a turn for the worst. For the first 10 minutes or so everything was great but once we all started drinking things defiantly changed for the worst. For starters half of the women in the bar were looking me up and down and as a result I think that this made her somewhat jealous, so low and behold from there on I decided that I would devote all of my attention to her. Well, I guess I made the tactical blunder of smothering her with attention. But then again I don't know if that's the case. For the next hour things went like this: for 5 minutes she apparently was happy with the way I was treating her due to the fact that she was rubbing herself against my body, but 5 minutes later she would turn cold and start flirting with some of the other guys in the bar and 5 minutes later she was back to rubbing herself against me. Later on we danced a couple of songs and then she started insisting that I go talk and dance with some of the other women in the bar. After 2 or 3 drinks I decided to go ahead and grant her wish. I preceded to hit the dance floor whereupon these two drunken women and I proceeded to press up against each other and engage in some "dirty dancing" per se. I guess you could say I was drunk and out of my mind, though I was still very cognizant and still very capable of carrying on a decent conversation.

Once I was finished dancing away her and I proceeded to go outside on the bar patio and get a breath of fresh air. Right then and there I though I was in heaven for she was acting very flirtatious with me, but when I went to place my arm around her she all of a sudden transformed herself into an icecube. About 15 minutes later we left the bar and I got nothing but the cold shoulder as we drove to my hotel room. She dropped me off and we said our goodnights and she left! I couldn't believe what had just transpired! So tell me Cher what went wrong? Was going to the bar a mistake? did I drink to much? ( I must have had about 8 beers plus a shot of Tequila) Was I smothering her? ( for most of the evening I did have my arms around her though she did let me know in no uncertain terms that she had no problem with it) what happened????? I need some advice lest I repeat this disaster again!!!

Sincerely disaster date

Dear Sincerely disaster date;

It is a very interesting story and I thank you for letting me help. Here goes. I think you did great up until you met up with her friend. First dates should be one on one and short. This is just to get to know the person, ask questions, see if you have things in common and are on the same page. Then a phone call to see how the other person feels, if there was a real connection with chemistry. Then the second date should come.

Now this is if you are really looking for a relationship. If you just want to jump in bed then just do what you feel, IM for the whole thing. Sex is better when you have the respect, and feelings and major chemistry. OK, alcohol makes people do things they don't usually do. I think going with her friend was a mistake, but it happened, but her rubbing and flirting with others, shows either she is very insecure, or just wasn't into only you, You want a woman to focus on you and just you, especially if this is your first date.

Could it be she took you there to make someone else Jealous? You said you don't live nearby, just a thought. Anyway, she never should have told you to dance with others, she was there with you!

So, I suggest if you really like her, call her and ask her her feelings. If not, move on to the next one. You sound like a great caring guy, and your worth someone who wants only you. Try my dating site...... and make sure you ask a lot of questions before you meet.

If you need some help I will be happy to help you. It is not easy to find the right person but better not to settle. I hope this helps and if I missed something let me know. I wish you much luck, I know you will find the right girl, a little tip from me....( she wont take her eyes off you)!

Hugs,

Cher

I date a lot and meet some nice women, it seems that after a few dates I find out stuff about them and lose interest. IM searching for a certain kind of girl, and I think girls are on their best behavior when you first meet them. How can I cut to the chase and find out what they really are like. IM looking to settle down. Thanks,

The real deal

Dear the real deal;

You are lucky you meet some nice women, so make it a quick study. Practice a list of questions in your head for the very first meeting. All the things in your life that are important. Don't worry about asking, you want to get to know her and if she likes you she should answer you right away. If not, then she is not for you, and move on to the next girl.

Hugs,

Cher

I am 38 years old and an attractive girl. I have a problem, I am very uncomfortable being naked in front of anyone. I don't know why, but I talk to friends and no one understands. It makes it hard to be intimate. Can you help?

Miss insecure

Dear miss insecure;

Truly beauty comes from within in. You need to tell that to yourself everyday until you believe it. Start by being naked in your room for 5 min a day, just relaxing and build up the time to an hour. Then when you accomplish this ask a girl friend who you feel comfortable with to come over and help you to be at ease with your own body. They can watch t.v. or talk on the phone you just need to be naked and in the same room for a few minutes. This should help you to get more comfortable in your own skin. You need to get the attitude, I am me and this is who I am and if people don't like it, it is their issue. Talk yourself into this mind set and you will discover you will start loving you. Being naked is a free feeling, and some people can't let go of the control. If this does not work, please seek expert help. You need to love yourself before anyone else can. Good luck.

Hugs,

Cher

I just found out my girlfriend was out with another guy. I don't know what to do. I really love her and wanted to marry her. We have been together for four years. We are both